So hi everyone. It’s been over 11 years since I last updated this blog. I forgot that this blog existed until I recently stumbled upon an old list of emails that had anaveganboy@gmail.com listed.
I think the big question is, did I recover? And to that I say, yes. Yes, I did.
I am now fully recovered. I have zero ED tendencies anymore.
I started this blog when I was 13 and at the height of my ED. Reading my old posts and tweets was heartbreaking. I was so depressed, so broken. My ED completely consumed me. I couldn't think of anything other than starvation and getting skinny.
I'm 25 now and the broken 13/14 year old boy that
authored this blog seems so alien now. Its cliche to say but I truly don't
recognise 13/14 year old me anymore. I can't express how much happier and
healthier I am.
My Eating Disorder and Recovery Story
This post does a good job summarising how I developed my ED. However, one thing that I left out was how the trauma from various sexual and physical abuse played a role in developing my ED. Its something that at the time of writing this blog, I didn't realise was "abuse". It’s taken a lot of self-reflection over the past decade for me to acknowledge that I was a victim of abuse and recover from it.
My parents repeatedly made comments about my weight around the ages of 11 and 12. At the time, I was dealing with a lot of trauma that stemmed from sexual abuse as well. That trauma, combined with those comments, sparked something in me. When I was 12, I suddenly wanted to "get healthy" to make my parents proud but it soon devolved into full-blown anorexia when I realised my parents and peers liked what skinny me looked like.
Around the age of 13 and 14, I was further abused by a teacher. He would physically assault me and yell at me when I was alone with him in the classroom. I finally confided in my parents about the physical abuse and he was removed from the school. The whole incident further reduced my self-confidence and is probably the reason why I continue to have issues with authority.
Between the ages of 12 and 17, I went through a cycle of starving myself and regaining the weight over and over again. My body image was shot to hell and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror or even pictures of myself without crying.
I remember my parents begging me to eat because of how skinny I was. I would yell and scream at them for even talking about my weight or eating patterns. Losing weight was the only thing that made me happy. I already lost everything else; I couldn't lose the only thing that brought me happiness. More than once, I remember going to sleep and praying that I wouldn't wake up. I was so depressed. I started skipping school. I began using alcohol to numb the pain. It was by far the darkest period in my life.
I eventually went into foster care from the ages of 15-17. My home life was getting too toxic and my parents made the decision to temporarily give me up. During my time in foster care, I was able to get the treatment I needed for my trauma and my ED.
From 18 to 19, I still would have the occasional intrusive thought that I was too fat and needed to starve myself. It was at that time I made the decision to join the military on a whim. It was during the recruitment process when I realised just how skinny and weak I was. I failed the fitness test the first time because I lacked strength and just didn't weigh enough to pull 250 lbs during the sandbag drag component.
Joining the military made me realise how
destructive starving myself had become. It was the motivation I needed to start
seriously reconsidering my health. From the ages of 19 onward, I began upping
my calorie intake and started taking fitness more seriously. Over time, those
self-destructive thoughts of starving myself completely disappeared.
Being a straight man with an ED
Being a straight man with an ED was an incredibly isolating experience. EDs are not a rare phenomenon. However, they are much more prevalent among women. Because of that, I was never able to receive treatment until 3 years into my ED.
Doctors didn't take my parents seriously because I was a man. They never suspected I had an ED because they assumed EDs were a "girls' disease". I only was able to receive the treatment that I did because my parents went out of their way to tell my social worker about my disordered eating habits.
I remember stepping foot into an ED community centre and asking the coordinator if there were any males in the support group I could talk to. She shook her head and said no.
Even among the pro-ana community, a lot of people assumed I was gay. I had to clarify on more than one occasion that I was straight. Despite it all, I was never able to meet another straight man with anorexia.
It did mess with my perception on my masculinity as well. Thoughts of "am I really man enough?" permeated through my mind on occasion. Anorexia was and is still seen as a "teenage white girl disease" which didn't help.
To the men out there struggling with an ED, you are
not alone. Recovery isn't easy but its absolutely worth it. Please seek
professional help if you believe you may be suffering from an ED.
Body/Diet/Fitness Updates
I'm still 5'5. I stopped growing around the time of my ED and I believe my ED likely stunted my growth. However, I now weigh a healthy 140 lbs. Looking back at pictures of me during my ED is incredibly jarring. I can't believe how skinny I was and how I wanted to be thinner. I was nothing but skin and bone, yet I somehow thought I was "fat". My ED completely warped my perception about my body. It has taken me 10 years of recovery to finally understand how messed up my perception really was.
I probably eat around 2500-3000 calories a day (I'm in a bulking phase right now). I no longer count calories and instead practice intuitive eating. When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm not hungry, I don't eat. It's crazy to think back to a time where I would have a mental breakdown eating 600-800 calories a day (I have a vivid memory of crying myself to sleep after I "binged" one day and ate 800 calories). I'll eat that many calories as an afternoon snack nowadays then go back for more seconds.
I also practice "clean" eating. As in, I don't eat ultra-processed foods and cook all my meals from scratch. I don't do this because I'm trying to lose fat or because processed food = bad. No, I do this because it makes me feel better. Eating clean gives me more energy and makes me feel better. For me, its what works. That's not to say it works for everyone.
I'm still very physically active. However, now I actually have the energy to excercise. I hit the gym 5 times a week for strength training and do cardio at least 3 times a week. On top of that I rock climb, hike, run, bike, kayak, and have began dabbling into mountaineering. I love weightlifting and getting my heart rate up while exploring the outdoors.
Overall, I'm still conscious about my weight.
However, my focus has shifted from "I need to get as thin as
possible" to "I want to lead a healthy, balanced life".
Where am I now?
I joined the Canadian Armed Forces while in university and have been working with them full-time since I graduated. I've done two deployments and absolutely love my job. I recently purchased my first house and am currently planning out how I'm going to proposed to my girlfriend this summer.
Life is good.
I obviously won’t be updating this blog anymore. However, it just doesn’t feel right not providing an update. For those that interacted with and supported me throughout the years, thank you 😊.
On a closing note, please enjoy this photo of my section during our infantry training!
One more thing!
